Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Private Investigations: Unearthing online terrorist networks
Apparently, (it is as yet unconfirmed) but people generally are of the opinion that, the government is indeed blocking blogs in a crackdown on terrorists. I really never knew terrorists blogged, that was until now. I quickly ran through my blogroll and started reading many blogs between the lines, and horror of horrors, quite a few of them are in fact... terrorist! (The Horror! The Horror!)
I've actually managed to unearth a whole network. The terrorists claim allegiance to a variety of seemingly disparate organisations with names like Jang-e-Django (J e D) and Pormboq-i-Sothai Serup (P i S S), yet they are considered to be allied under an umbrella organisation the C.U.D.I (Caliph ud Dumeel Idiot).
According to the latest on the blog of Ammani (online name of Ahmed Qik Tal), the UK based cell this highly dangerous terrorist leads, has now gone into sleeper mode. Among other members of the same cell are Chakkapani (aka Chaq i Pani) who is said to have his anti-India grievances stemming from a recent unsavoury trip to the Indian Embassy in London. The 'Quarter'master in this group is a person who calls himself Ranga du Buq, considered to be of Algerian descent.
The Indian operations of C.U.D.I are said to be directed from secret locations in the Inaccessible Tribal Areas (ITA) region of West Mambalistan, where local tribal leaders incessantly convene useless Jirgas (village councils). The remote high-rises of the ITA are said to shelter P i S S terrorists who write and translate propaganda poetry (from the weblog of D'ab' Al Emir), or formulate the organisation's economic theory (from the writings of the elusive one-eyed old bloke who goes by the unremarkable name of Coffee House). Here he writes about how many years ago, he visited Bombay, thus undoubtedly establishing his connection to the blasts.
Even though Madrastani leader Generally Pervert Musthave promised a crackdown on the activities of terrorists like Abu Puke (wanted in India for once picking his nose on a public bus), and Abu Fat (also wanted in India for his role in the dastardly 1980 event of his birth), when Musthave joined the American War Against Terror, he has yet not kept his promise. These two most-wanted terrorist-bloggers continue to operate with impunity.
Malayalee terrorism is not a new phenomenon in India, but its newest face seems to be a blog called Varnam wherein chief ideologue Mullah JK writes his own twisted and violent version of the holy scriptures, and Indian history.
The American State department in its last briefing had added the city-state of Ban Al Ur, just west of Madrastan, to its global axis of evil, which already includes rogue states like Syria, Iran and North Korea. Disgraced Madrastani scientist Dr. AQ Suman, is said to be currently in exile in Ban Al Ur. Terrorists-bloggers in this city have openly declared major city infrastructure as their targets, which shows that they are actually against the economic development of the region.
The Gujarat riots of 2002 are said to have disgruntled many people of the minority Bombay Cartelian community. Though the Prime Minister and the Home Minister have been quick to state that their targets are not Cartelians, but only terrorists, and that terrorists have no religion (even though the Cartelians believe in none either), the Samajwadi Party has warned that if any Atheist Libertarians are arrested, fifty million of them would flood the streets of the nation in protest. Many commentators believe that political parties have an eye on the upcoming Bombay nursery school elections. The blogger-terrorists are said to have links with the banned MIMI (Must I Masturbate Individually) and many activists' blogs are being tracked (1, 2), the latter blog expressly advocating and exhorting torture of innocent realities in its tagline.
Blogger-terrorists are also said to exist in America, and many of them have been linked to the September 11 attacks as well. As a result of interrogations on many Guantano Bay inmates, a very sketchy profile emerges. Most of them are said to be from the disgruntled Black and Asian communities. One of them has a series of posts on engineering car bombings called Kollywood Car, while another recent Cartelian convert Kingsley Jegan (formerly Cat Stevens) has a post that even has a picture of a crude bulb-bomb. George Thomas, who has connections with the Bombay underworld makes openly threatening posts against Bollywood in his blog. Of all the American terrorist-bloggers, the most interesting is a white convert to Asian ways, who goes by the name Prince Roy (also referred by the US State Department as the enemy within), whose main concern seems to be food terrorism. He openly claims to have recently visited a Pakistani restaurant for training.
Europe is in no way immune to blog-terrorism, especially in the immigrant ghettos. Jag, who specialises in terrorising innocent users of public transport was on an MI5 watchlist until he escaped to Munich from where he is said to have coordinated several attacks on graffiti artists. Another terrorist Mohammed Neha, from what is now commonly referred to as Londonistan, was on a recent trip to an undisclosed location in Eastern Europe, apparently to attend some sort of conference with Global Terrorists Online. Waseem Akram (Aka WA), also said to have travelled extensively in Europe, is now scouting British water bodies, in what could only be an attempt at bio-terrorism or chemical warfare. Finally, Mullah Scian, based in Britain is said to be a radical cleric, who recently offered a reward for anyone indulging in literary terrorism.
I am still reeling under my own revelations, especailly since I have met many of these people face to face. I cannot believe I have stared at the face of terror!!!
I wholeheartedly support the government's crackdown on terrorist-blogging. By severely curtailing free speech, we shall forever be free from fear and terror. When these cowardly and stupid terrorist suddenly find themselves unable to read each others blogs, they are sure to give up their meaningless ventures. Let us show our middle finger to blog-terror in the full confidence that they will never be able to use proxies to circumvent this very astute act of Indian intelligence. Jai Hind!
Comments to Private Investigations: Unearthing online terrorist networks
Naan inge aadraan, paadran. Poo mele nikran. Ellarukkum Screw You sollaran. Yarum namble gavnikardhille!
Aana Nimbalki oru oru unmai therinjaganum! How do you pronounce that acronym C.U.D.I? Thappa sonna jigad panran nimbal ungal mele.
posted by 
anantha
Nee inna seyrano, aanaa kelvi mattum keekkaraan. C.U.D.I ya koodhi'nnu pronouce seyyya solraan! (waiting for google hits like "Anantha+koodhi") Ippa naan bathil soltan ille, 25 ayaram kudu, ille Rolex watch kudu!
posted by Anand
Mullah JK :)
posted by 
Abu Fat romba kovam ayirku. Abu fat unmai peru sonna allah mele kasam, abufat keeme pannidudu onne
posted by Ravages/CC
eyyyyyy ussainu, Abut fattu, ammi sor saapda bulaathi.
posted by
Anandu, cycle gapla neraiya per mela auto ottina madhiri irukku. Propaganda poetry, useless jirgas :-)
posted by Chenthil
LOL. Hilarious
posted by Unknown
lol! funny beyond words.
posted by the being
this is some damn fine investigative reporting, sir, but it is only the tip of the iceberg. i've also done 'retreats' inside of buddhist temples. you know how dangerous buddhists are, worldwide fomentors of violence and rebellion. taiwan being the center of a large such buddhist population, i only hope your authorities are taking the appropriate measures.
posted by Prince Roy
Idhellam thaana varradhudhan illa? Soka sonna ba!
posted by Kowshic
The puke and fat twins are most funnier twins the terror world has ever witnessed.
btw, these links are so authentic that the govt has a special person to investigate on mdeiiullah khan.
posted by
You think you Daring Person is making Fun of the Authorities??
What rubbhish man? Joking with the Gorment? How Dare You?
I am thinking that now Department of Terrorism (or was it Telecom) will be blocking your blog (pkblogs also man! you think Dot is shtupid?) because if someone is laughing hard they might be Dying of Heart Attacks induced by Excess Laughing.
That will be Pubic Nyoosance!!
Gorment must take all steps to ensure Public Sefty.
Though I am Law Abiding Citizen, I believe in freedom of speech.
The World Citizens are having Rights to read my Trashy Mundane Diaries.
posted by Radiohad
Rombo rombo funny-a ezhudaraan, illa. Aaana, ushaar. Allah umachhi nimbalki kann kuthum! :)))
posted by ammani
Damn. I got found out!
posted by Jag
Funny indeed. Like I read on some blog, soon they will ban water because the terrorists drink water!
posted by
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